I feel so incredibly sorry for myself. Pathetic really. I stayed home from Lake Tahoe because Kyle had way too much homework to do. Also, I don't really love Tahoe. But just to make the story better I should say I sacrificed a trip to wondrous Lake Tahoe to stay home with my even more wondrous son. Tom called to tell me the snow was really beautiful. Will was jumping into a jacuzzi with his Grandpa and best friend. The jacuzzi sits on a ledge overlooking the lake. Snow is piled around the bubbling tub and I could almost imagine the steam rising above the hot, bubbly water.
I stayed at home all day feeling terribly sorry for Kyle who was working tirelessly on homework and SAT prep.
I collected his girlfriend at Berkeley and was back by 7:15. I had invited myself to have dinner with the two of them. I'm not sure they really wanted me, but I asked and they said yes. BUT, by the time they were ready to head out it was past 8:30 and I didn't really feel like being a really big third wheel. They did the obligatory, "Oh, please come!" But I could tell they were relieved.
I made myself some scrambled eggs and watched a really bad movie.
The kids came home about an hour and a half later and when they saw me spread out on the couch, they took it as a sign that it was OK for them to head for Kyle's lair. They didn't come out until it was time to take his girlfriend home and I finally went to bed feeling lonely and under-appreciated.
I woke up at two in the morning angry. I remember how left out my Mom felt in her later years. She never wanted to join us when we went out. She complained about feeling 'marginalized.' I didn't understand her feelings at the time. Last night, I came face to face with them. I recognized all the symptoms. I was trapped between worlds. I wanted to hang with the kids but it wasn't my place and I really wouldn't have fun with them. Getting together with my friends is more difficult now! One needs to put down a date on a calender months ahead just to secure a Saturday night. Besides most of my friends were in Tahoe with Tom and Will.
So, this morning I opened my eyes to a brand new day. I shifted in my bed and screamed aloud. Somewhere between fear, frustration, boredom, and anger I threw my back out....AGAIN. I can barely make it to the toilet without fits of excruciating pain. I feel so so so sorry for myself.
Writing the BLOG hurts. I'm forcing myself to write. If I don't, my self pitying might get ugly!
So, now Kyle will be forced to take care of his old mother. The sweet irony of life.