I was in the worst mood all weekend, really wicked. I actually felt sorry for my husband. I don't know why I was in such a funk but I think it has something to do with the sudden lack of family time on the weekend. I use to look so forward to Friday evening. Friday represented freedom, freedom from school, freedom from work, freedom from routine. But now it has come to represent juggling two teenage boys busy schedules and worrying! Last night, Will went to babysit for our neighbors. I stayed close at hand in case he needed me to change a dirty diaper or help him with a 2-year-old tantrum. For five hours on a Saturday night, I stayed home so he could watched someone else's children. He came home and counted his money. I would have thought that seeing his smile would have made me happy. But it didn't. I was in a bad way.
I had driven Kyle and his friend to the city earlier in the day to go to the Treasure Island Music Festival. For over 8 hours Kyle listened to music, hung out with his friends, and did whatever else he was not suppose to do! He texted me often to prevent me from having a heart attack. He called in between sets. He stood in line for 1 1/2 hours to catch the bus back to San Francisco where he met a friends parents who drove him back to Mill Valley. Tom picked him up at 1AM.
I went to bed around midnight and let Tom handle the worrying.
This still did not make me happy.
I woke this morning and nothing felt right. My entire body ached with stress. Nothing felt like fun. I tried to work on the horror story I am writing. My computer kept crashing. Was the universe trying to tell me something?
My mood turned dark and haunting and to make matters worse I couldn't use any of it for my horror story.
I was a failure and in a wicked mood to boot.
My cousin invited us for dinner. I can be completely myself around her and her husband. So can Tom. So can the kids. It is always an adventure at their home. We always dine like kings and feel completely at home. In fact, I think we all feel more at home at their house than we do at our own. It feels like walking into the most wonderful pair of worn in slippers. Everyone should be as lucky as I am to have cousins like I have. We have gone through the best of times and the worst of times and we still can laugh. My kids have family because of them.
After a wonderful evening, I returned home and realized that my foul mood had disappeared. It had melted away like the warm butter the my cousin spread on the french string beans. It felt good to be a family again.
I recognize now that my mood was directly related to the fact that my family's social life was not controlled by me. In fact, quite the opposite, my family's social life controlled me. I am not happy about this, so I have decided to try something different. I am going to make plans next weekend. I hope my kids will join in, but if they don't tough S----!
Tom and I are going to think of ourselves for a change. We need a break. Our kids will just have to deal.
And if they can't what is the worse that can happen? They run away and join the circus? Or maybe they would just call up my cousin and go live with her. They would love that. Do you think they would let me visit?