Monday, October 26, 2009

I threw out my back this weekend, AGAIN. I am like the old saying, "My back goes out more than I do!"

I began to have back troubles in 1990 right after my atopic pregnancy that ended in surgery.

It has changed my life.

When my boys were little it was difficult for me to pick them up and walk around holding them. I used to look at other mommy friends with envy. I used to wonder if my kids would love me less because I had a difficult time picking them up and wrapping them in my arms. I made adjustments. I learned how to lie on the floor and comfort them. Or sit on their beds and gently rub their heads. And they quickly learned how to imitate me, "Oy my sciatica hurts!"
They would walk around lovingly mocking me. But they understood my physical limitations and loved me none the less.

But parenting has become so much less physically demanding. In the last year, it seems that we have made the shift to the emotional phase. And I honestly think this has been harder on my back.

I think there is a lot to be said for the whole mind body connection. And as I look back on the last month of BLOG posts I realize how much mental strength has been needed to see me through these trying days.

And boy does my back ache.

Doesn't it make sense that I put all my worry and concerns into my most vulnerable muscle, my back? Is this why my back went out? I just couldn't take anymore!

My dear, dear friend of 46 years came to visit this weekend. The kids were not off at concerts or driving all over the universe. They were with friends, at sensible parties, near home! And my back went out.

I can pretend it was some physical thing that caused it....but really wasn't just my body's way of saying, "I need a rest!" But why did happen this weekend when I had a friend here? She has known me my whole life, my entire life story, my weaknesses, my strengths. Perhaps I needed to let go for a couple of days and just be! It is with those we are the most comfortable with that we allow ourselves to be truly honest.

And honestly, my back hurts.

So, I will sit today in my sun drenched house and sip green tea and nurse my back. I will feel really sorry for myself. I can't run to the market or do the errands for my family. And I can't write my horror story. My aching back has become the real horror story! And sitting really hurts.

So, after posting this piece, I get the day off. I'm just not so sure what to do about lunch?

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