I went numb.
I can't explain it entirely but I shut down. It was the strangest feeling. I didn't feel myself at all. I was quick to think that it was gnarly hormones, but I knew this was different.
I didn't feel anxious or depressed. Numb.
Almost like I couldn't endure anymore worry. I needed to tuck it away someplace and not let it nip at my ankles for one afternoon. Just for one afternoon.
I went to bed and the tears began to flow. Seventeen-years-ago I went into labor and had my first baby boy. SEVENTEEN YEARS AGO TODAY.
It was a bittersweet day. I bore a child that I have loved with every fiber of my being. But my sister had not lived to see him. BITTERSWEET.
I had to move forward. I had no choice. I had lost my best friend in the world, my big sister. She was supposed to be there for me forever. And she died.
She would have been there in the room with me when Kyle was born but she was dead. Instead my mother was waiting outside with my dear friend Judy. They tried to fill in the gaps.
My mother sat there fully aware that she had just lost her oldest daughter and she was about to meet her grandchild. I had the best medicine for her. But she had developed Alzheimer's.
I put one foot in front of the other and loved my baby. I loved him more because he didn't have the love of his Aunt Georgie. And I know how she would have spoiled him. And I know how she would have loved him.
I had to keep her alive for him.
People showered love upon me and Kyle on this blessed day. They knew my loss. Our loss. They tried to fill in the pieces.
I've done the best I could. Now, he is practically a man. Georgie would be proud of him. But he lost out. He lost out.
She didn't. I have to believe this. She sees him, knows him, loves him. I have to believe this.
Not numb now. Tears stain my cheeks.
Today on my son's 17th birthday I miss my sister so very much.
I wish you were around for the journey. I need you so much everyday, for so many reasons but mostly I need you to hit me over the head and tell me to get my head out of my derrière and not be afraid of life.
Thanks for everything you ever did for me. And I'm so sorry that I didn't make your death any easier.
I know I don't have to say I love you because you know that. Unconditional love.
I will try and ride the proverbial wave you always told me about. I will hear your voice in my head. And I will fill the house with laughter. And I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and not judge myself too harshly.
You wouldn't recognize how old I have become. Your little sister. Your sister who knew you better than anybody else. The sister you understood better than anyone else. Unspoken love and friendship. Together forever. Old and a little less NUMB.
Our baby is seventeen today. But you know that.