Musings From A Woman on the Edge!

I forced myself to go kayaking today. I didn't really want to go. I wanted to hide under my covers and protect myself from the world. One of those days.

Kyle is off in the city with a friend, exploring the Mission area of San Francisco. Last summer I took him around this area and watched as he became enthralled in an area he hadn't yet explored. I made him promise me this morning that he would go with WIll and I again, later in the week.

Will is off on his little sunfish with a friend, breeze in his hair, salt water on his skin.

I watched him hang on to the boat, as he keeled on one side. He was hanging on for dear life.

And just like a mother, I turned to far to make sure he was OK and found myself emerged in the lagoon, clothes, sunglasses, hat and all.

I didn't mind. It's the getting back into the boat that's not such a pretty sight.

I felt a bit better after my small adventure but wonder when this wave of menopausal mood fluctuations will lift. Each and every month. Each and ever month. And it still catches me by surprise.

There is so much to do right now, and I don't want to waste a single moment. Please don't let me waste another moment.

And then there's this:

For any of my Bay area friends, I will be speaking at the Castro Theater on July 30th before they play my father's film, "Rosemary's Baby." Come and be scared. Not at the film, at how inarticulate I am in front of a crowd.

You all know I fear the devil. And here I am, once again, face to face with a film that changed my families life.

I had trouble getting out of bed today, how am I going to get up in front of a crowd and talk about the film?

The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia

It's been so long I hardly know where to begin or how to start to write again. I have missed you all and have spent my days reflecting, sweating, worrying, sweating some more, loving, laughing, crying and obsessing. And that's before breakfast.

I spent the last week in Atlanta, Georgia. Yes, my 20th wedding anniversary was spent watching my boys fence at Nationals. See how it is 'my' wedding anniversary and 'my' boys. After 20 years, poor Tom still corrects me. "It's 'our' anniversary and 'our' boys!" I don't know what I would do without the love of 'my' life.

The four of us together again for one week, together making lemonade out of lemons.

It was hotter than Hades and 'cause we are from Northern California we are not used to the heat.

Our visit to FAT MATT'S pretty much sums up our visit to Atlanta. It was over 100 degrees when we arrived at this local barbeque joint. I wanted the real thing. I got the real thing. White bread and meat with so much fat that the pork falls right off the bone, slathered with barbeque sauce.

Will took his knife and fork and began to eat his barbeque chicken. The waitress ran to our table. "It's against the law to eat barbeque in Atlanta with a knife and fork," she admonished my poor son. "You need to get messy and then lick all that good barbeque off your fingers."

Will looked at me in shock. He takes his eating seriously and doesn't really like to get too messy with his food. But he dug in and we let the sauce stay stuck around our mouths for the rest of that hot Atlanta day.

It was perfect. Messy and foreign and it was just the four of us sharing a unique experience.

Yesterday we flew home. Kyle sat next to me on the plane and he began to discuss his plans for his European tour after he finishes high school. I have no idea where he came up with the idea that he "gets" a European vacation with his friends after he graduates from high school, but somewhere he did.

I looked at him with despair. It wasn't the cavalier way he assumed he was going to travel to Europe with friends after high school. It was that I wasn't going to be with him to get messy and enjoy all things foreign and share endless unique experiences with him.

Is our time together, the four of us, limited. I don't know. But I do know that I had the time of my life in Atlanta, Georgia. Go figure. As long as the four of us are together, Mommy is one happy lady.

Not For Your Eyes, My Son!

I couldn't even find the strength to write yesterday. Hormones. Kyle gone for the week. Me, doing what I do best, projecting and obsessing.

Then Will asked me to go sailing with him. Splendor. Perfection. Happiness. Peace.

When I isolate myself I tend to shrivel up with worry. Gliding through the water, I felt alive.

I don't want to think about it. I want to block it out. But, it's there. Close to the surface.

The quiet in the house since Kyle has been gone has been stifling, overwhelming. And it took me by surprise. It didn't expect to feel this way. It's just a week.

But I see my future staring me in the face and I can't quite come to terms with it.

Life has funny twists and turns and the things you worry about aren't the things that end up biting you in the butt. I know that. But still, it's right there.

Andy is going off to college. I've seen the ads. Kyle used to wear his Buzz Lightyear pajama's to bed every night. "To Infinity and Beyond," he would mimic Buzz.

And now, it's almost time for Kyle to pack his toys away, too and leave for college, just like Andy.

I really thought I was closer to feeling OK about all this, until this week.

I realized harshly, violently, that I'm not ready for Kyle not to be part of my life every day. And I feel so unbelievably selfish. He is a great kid and needs to fly and I'll be damned if I hold him back. But who will hold me up?

Kyle, I hope you never read this entry. But if you do, I'll be fine. This is what you are supposed to do. This is my problem, not yours. If you just weren't so darned fun to be around...

And for you my love, I will whisper in your ear..."To Infinity and Beyond!"

Practicing for College

So, my son went off to a leadership conference for a week and I don't like it at all.

I think he is having a great time, and believe me when I tell you I am so happy that he is. It makes it so much easier. BUT, I miss him so much.

I think what I miss the most is knowing about his life, who he is hanging out with, who he is meeting and what he is feeling.

This feels like practice for college.

I'm OK with this only because I know he is coming home in a week. How will I feel when this is the real thing.

He wasn't able to bring his computer with him, so I connect only through a few text messages and a some really short phone conversations.

I just had to stop writing because I received a text from Kyle. I can see it now, my world revolving a few short semi-sentences. I hear my phone signal a text and I get so excited. Here comes anther one...my heart races as I type. PAUSE.

I love his texts. Like him, they make me smile.

He is at a college campus with 1,000 boys from all over the state. The conference is called Boys' State. He is definitely stepping out of the Northern California bubble he has lived in and it seems like he is sucking the marrow out of this experience.

I am proud of him. That is when I'm not bugging Will because now that Kyle is away he gets all my attention. And this week seems to be a week of unhealthy obsession. And poor Will is the object of my obsession. He laughs at me but I can tell I'm starting to really bug him.

I think when Kyle finally goes off to college, Will is going to miss him even more than me. I mean, can you imagine all the unhealthy attention this poor kid is going to have to handle?

My Happy Kid!

Will leaving his graduation.

As Will entered middle school, all I wished for was for him to leave with his self esteem in tact. Watching last night, I knew that he had accomplished this goal. But he did with the help of so many unbelievable teachers and administrators. And two of them are fellow bloggers Teresa and Gary Oefinger.

Thank you.

A picture can say a thousand words.

Today I will leave it at that.

I have no time to write today but I had to get a post out to mark this wonderful day. My youngest son is graduating from elementary school.

I woke up sad, eyes moist with tiny tears. This shifted to fear.

Will will walk in front of an entire auditorium and deliver his graduation speech. When I gave mine, I forgot the entire middle section. I have yet to recover.

Tomorrow I will have time to think about it all. And I'm sure something will hit me straight between the eyes. Something unexpected.

But for today I will embrace the moment. Hold back my tears, keep my anxiety to myself. And watch as the children I have known since they were five put elementary school behind them and walk towards their future, towards dreams and hopeful expectations.

The door just opened and Will has finished his last day of 8th grade. He will graduate in a few hours.

I couldn't be more proud.

With A Shadow of A Dream...

Summer finally graced us with her presence the last few days in Northern California. Warm days have left me welcoming the end of the school year. We're not done here quite yet. My youngest will graduate on Thursday and he was selected to give one of the two graduation speeches.

Kyle gave his graduation speech three years ago. I gave mine 37 years ago. Oh my, that does seem like a long time ago.

But I remember it well. "With a shadow of a dream, there is hope. Where hope lies, there will always be a future..." I also remember forgetting the entire middle of my speech and not being able to find my place in my notecards. Fear struck me hard that June day and now I get to watch my youngest stand on stage on tell his classmates, their families, the teachers and administrators just what he feels about this young chapter of his life.

But last night was another graduation. Yesterday my nephew and oldest grandchild in the family graduated from high school.

I couldn't sleep at all last night.

We came home from the lovely celebration (where everyone toasted my wonderful nephew and his sappy Aunt of course cried) and I tried to engage Kyle in coming to watch one of our favorite summer series, "Royals Pains." He wanted nothing to do with me.

I am not sure if this was due to the fact that I didn't let him meet up with his friends at 11:00 pm and I wouldn't let him go camping in the Santa Cruz mountains with a bunch of his 17-year-old friends.

Since school has let out, Kyle has transformed back into the relaxed and happy-go-lucky kid that I know so well. But last night, the dark cloud of 'teenagness' reared its ugly head.

My sleepless night was filled with a mixture of, "I can't wait for him to go to college," and "I can't believe this time next year we will be celebrating his graduation."

After I finished watching "Royal Pains" with Tom we crawled into bed. Kyle said goodnight and then went into the room we had just vacated to play some video games.

I listened from my bedroom as he played. And it struck me that he just didn't wanted to spend the time with us.

I don't know why, but this broke my heart a little bit.

But I will lick my wounds today and hopefully Kyle will want to hang with me a little bit. And last night will be another memory.

Just like the memory I have of my handsome nephew picking strawberries at his grandparents home 16 years ago and reading to him about the big hungry bear and red ripe strawberries.