Friday, June 25, 2010

Not For Your Eyes, My Son!

I couldn't even find the strength to write yesterday. Hormones. Kyle gone for the week. Me, doing what I do best, projecting and obsessing.

Then Will asked me to go sailing with him. Splendor. Perfection. Happiness. Peace.

When I isolate myself I tend to shrivel up with worry. Gliding through the water, I felt alive.

I don't want to think about it. I want to block it out. But, it's there. Close to the surface.

The quiet in the house since Kyle has been gone has been stifling, overwhelming. And it took me by surprise. It didn't expect to feel this way. It's just a week.

But I see my future staring me in the face and I can't quite come to terms with it.

Life has funny twists and turns and the things you worry about aren't the things that end up biting you in the butt. I know that. But still, it's right there.

Andy is going off to college. I've seen the ads. Kyle used to wear his Buzz Lightyear pajama's to bed every night. "To Infinity and Beyond," he would mimic Buzz.

And now, it's almost time for Kyle to pack his toys away, too and leave for college, just like Andy.

I really thought I was closer to feeling OK about all this, until this week.

I realized harshly, violently, that I'm not ready for Kyle not to be part of my life every day. And I feel so unbelievably selfish. He is a great kid and needs to fly and I'll be damned if I hold him back. But who will hold me up?

Kyle, I hope you never read this entry. But if you do, I'll be fine. This is what you are supposed to do. This is my problem, not yours. If you just weren't so darned fun to be around...

And for you my love, I will whisper in your ear..."To Infinity and Beyond!"


  1. Oh, Terry, I just want to give you the biggest hug. Get out there and sail with Will, my friend. Kyle's sailing in his own way and you can too!

  2. Dearest Terry,
    I was never blessed with children, so I cannot totally relate with your plight. I do know, however, that you and Tom have done a wonderful job raising your two beautiful boys. You could never have been a better mother. Some day they will be so successful, and you will finally have peace.....and you both can take the credit for raising such spectacular boys. No one could have done a better job than you.
    With my love....

  3. Oh, we are living the same lives, but mine on a much smaller scale. My oldest is leaving for flight encampment, and I can't stand the thought of passing his bedroom w/o him in it. I've been tearing up all morning.

    I went to work, and my friend asked why I was so quiet. I couldn't even talk, but managed to eek out, "my son will be gone for 2 wks."

    SHe said, "huh...try seeing them twice a year."

    Ugh. HUGE reality stab in the heart.

  4. My kids grew up with Toy Story too, Terry. My son was born the year of the first on and my daughter the year of the second one! I can measure my life in Toy Stories!

    All I can say is how lucky your kids are in you, a mother who's been able to love truly and deeply and not hold back. He'll still be your kid. I remember being an incredibly dependent college student!

  5. "Life has funny twists and turns and the things you worry about aren't the things that end up biting you in the butt."
    You are so wise and wonderful. I know what you're feeling, still feeling some of it myself. It's hard. We spend so much time waiting to have these kids, raising them. Then. They're gone. I know you'll enjoy this next year with him. And I love how you wove Toy Story into it, so talented. To infinity and beyond...xo

  6. Sweet. I saw "Toy Story 3." "I bet you cried, Mom," Molly said. No duh. Terry, remember the wind in your face, remember this moment, remember this is all we have. Read "Beautiful Boy" and realize you could have lost your boy to drugs. I say this from the perspective of a mom who continues to try to let go, and you will be fine. Just fine.

  7. Terry, I'm right there with you. When my eldest was away at swim camp for a week I cired the first time he called home. I didn't expect that at all.

  8. My husband took my daughter to see Toy Story 3 this weekend. I couldn't go. I knew I would sob. I just can't bear the thought of them growing up, even though they do it every day right before my eyes.

  9. Sending you a hug Terry. The growing up is hard and letting go is even harder.

  10. Tears in my eyes. That's what I have. I'm giving you a virtual hug right now... hoping that in the past few weeks since you wrote this entry, you're feeling a bit better. You've been an amazing mama to your boy who is now going off to do all you've taught him to do.


  11. I've been away and I just caught up on your posts now. Congratulations on all the graduations and your son's speech! And this post in particular - so beautiful. So many great lines that I love. We saw Toy Story this weekend, and I cried even though my son is just 6. I have 12 more years and stories like yours are preparing me, I'd like to think, but I wonder if we can ever really prepare? Anyway, so eloquent as always. Thanks for this.

  12. You always bring a lump to my throat.

    I was a mess when I took the younger two to Toy Story 3 last week.

    I remember how my oldest would LOVE to jump off the sofa and shout, "to...a...beyooooooond!"

    Oh, my god, why didn't I know how much those days would mean back then???? They were just part of the scenery of the everyday.

  13. LOVe coming to your it when you post. Why can't you live in my town???