I couldn't even find the strength to write yesterday. Hormones. Kyle gone for the week. Me, doing what I do best, projecting and obsessing.
Then Will asked me to go sailing with him. Splendor. Perfection. Happiness. Peace.
When I isolate myself I tend to shrivel up with worry. Gliding through the water, I felt alive.
I don't want to think about it. I want to block it out. But, it's there. Close to the surface.
The quiet in the house since Kyle has been gone has been stifling, overwhelming. And it took me by surprise. It didn't expect to feel this way. It's just a week.
But I see my future staring me in the face and I can't quite come to terms with it.
Life has funny twists and turns and the things you worry about aren't the things that end up biting you in the butt. I know that. But still, it's right there.
Andy is going off to college. I've seen the ads. Kyle used to wear his Buzz Lightyear pajama's to bed every night. "To Infinity and Beyond," he would mimic Buzz.
And now, it's almost time for Kyle to pack his toys away, too and leave for college, just like Andy.
I really thought I was closer to feeling OK about all this, until this week.
I realized harshly, violently, that I'm not ready for Kyle not to be part of my life every day. And I feel so unbelievably selfish. He is a great kid and needs to fly and I'll be damned if I hold him back. But who will hold me up?
Kyle, I hope you never read this entry. But if you do, I'll be fine. This is what you are supposed to do. This is my problem, not yours. If you just weren't so darned fun to be around...
And for you my love, I will whisper in your ear..."To Infinity and Beyond!"
Open House Countdown
7 months ago