Friday, November 6, 2009

The Wide Eyed Boy with the Blond Curls

Kyle had his directorial debut last night! And his one act was impressive. I am a proud Mommy today and delighted that he feels successful. His actors gave impressive performances as Kyle mouthed each word they said. It was funny for me to see him sharing an artistic endeaver with an audience. This process has been so much a part of my life--and a struggle at that. But last night was his night and I got to see him sweat. It is so difficult to put something creative out into the world and watch an audience react. He felt the pressure, but he didn't crack.

The only awkard moment in the whole evening was when his girlfriend, who lovingly came from College, and I sat next to each other in the lobby waiting for the show to begin. We comfortably sat together talking about all sorts of things until Kyle made his way to us.

He saw us both sitting there yacking and stopped for a moment. He didn't know who to kiss first. He looked at me and then at his girlfriend and then back at me.

I stepped in, "Give your girlfriend a kiss," I told him.

She, in her grace said, "You kiss your Mother first!"

How funny. Kyle trapped between two women. How pathetic, one of them is his Mother.

But last night, I saw my son as a successful leader, a compassionate director, a loving boyfriend, and a wonderful son. He is definitely growing up. How I fit into his world is still unclear to me.

In just a few months, everything has changed. I used to be the last person to talk to him before he went to sleep. Now, most nights, he talks with his girlfriend. And this is what is supposed to happen. It just happened so quickly.

I am fully aware that I need to step back and begin to allow him to live his own life. I just need to figure out how. There is a whole new relationship to navigate and I don't want to screw it up by being the overbearing mother I have a tendency to be.

But he is still my little boy with the big eyes and curly blond hair, who always smiled, loving life. It is so hard to reconcile that image with the 6'3'' man with the big eyes and cropped brown hair who is charming and witty surrounded by friends and a girlfriend.

I couldn't be happier or more proud.

But the happiness is bittersweet. It is not that I am losing him, it is that our relationship is changing.

I know that I am the grown-up and he is just the 16-year-old and that means that I have to be the more mature of the two and allow our relationship to change instead of making what existed fit into an already outdated mold.

I know how much Kyle loves me. I know he would do almost anything to make me happy. I know what we had before was wonderful.

But... I refuse to become one more stress in his life. I will not allow myself to become a burden to him already. I want, with all my heart, for him to know I am there for him always but that it is alright for him to begin his "own" journey.

I would love him to include me on this journey but I must allow him to choose to do this on his own.

I hope I have the willpower and patience. I most definitely have the love.

1 comment:

  1. I love this! Oh do I ever know that struggle, to love them enough to set them free. xo k