I woke up this morning with a sense of dread. I just couldn't shake it. I didn't know where it was coming from and what exactly I 'should' be worried about. I was just feeling like I was walking on shaky ground.
It finally hit me when I pulled up to our public high school with my youngest son. A huge sign screamed, "Welcome Class of 2014!"
I turned to Will, "Is that the year you'll graduate high school?"
"Yep, that's my class," came his response.
And so there it was.
Will remarked that the school reminded him of all the high schools he sees on television. Cheerleaders in cute little practice uniforms, surly kids with heavy backpacks, popular girls posturing for the cute boys. A random red converse sneaker flanked our path to the gym where we were asked to register for the fall semester.
I don't know if this is what was making me nervous this morning, but it sure got to me this afternoon.
In the fall, Will will be entering another stage of his adolescene. I know he is ready for it, but I am most certainly not!
I still want my little boys. And I'm fully aware that I can't stop time. But where did all those precious moments go? The first taste of chocolate, the first steps, the first words, the first day at the beach, the first time catching snow flakes as they fall from the sky. There are so many firsts. Now, I'm looking at the first day at high school. And soon there will be the first day of college!
So who am I now? For so long, I was defined by my children. They will always be my world. But their world is getting bigger and bigger and my role smaller and smaller.
And I know that's how it's supposed to be. But I don't have to like it, do I?
Don't get me wrong, I love just where they are right now. But I just wish it all hadn't gone by so fast. And I wish that I remembered more.
On these beautiful, almost spring days we have been experiencing in Northern California, I open all my doors and windows. And I hear the sweet voices of the little children who live near me. They are starting pre-school, kindergarten, 1st grade. They have a litany of firsts ahead of them.
So do my children and so do I. And I'm not talking about my first facelift, my first walker, my first hip replacement. What about my first novel, my first trip to Africa, the first time I watch my youngest son walk into high school or my first time I say good bye to my son as I leave him behind in his college dorm?
What firsts do you remember? What firsts are you looking forward to? Does time feel like it is speeding by?