I fell asleep a bit ago. A needed nap. A place to escape to.
I woke to the sound of a dog barking. Not my dog, a neighbor's.
It jolted me awake. Too quickly. My brother-in-law had passed away this morning. My sister's husband. She died 17 years ago. He remarried. But he is still my brother-in-law.
My mind flashed to the date. March 21st! The first day of spring. My parent's anniversary. The day Elliot died. Soon it will be April, then May, and then Kyle will be a senior and Will will graduate elementary school.
I woke up too abruptly. Too many emotions running through my whirling brain.
There is the trip to Los Angeles to The Kid's Choice Awards next weekend. I will take Will and walk the orange carpet at my alma mater, UCLA's Pauley Pavilion.
Kyle went to the Kids' Choice Awards when he was three. He is in the video clip I attached with his cousin. She is now in law school. Kyle is in the front wearing a blue long sleeved shirt. They proudly wore balloons on their heads. Kyle cried when he found out he had to sit without a parent.
I worked for Nickelodeon just yesterday. No, it was a long time ago and far away. But the sweet memories of the best job I ever had linger. They linger especially today. I was so young and so sure that anything was possible. I was right. I get to walk my 13-year-old into a theater filled with screaming kids next weekend.
Earlier today, I watched as a mother I have known for many years stood teaching her daughter how to fill her tank with gas. She must be learning to drive. I remember this same mother, holding this young girl's hand, teaching her how to cross the street safely.
I placed two candles in crystal champagne glasses and lit them. They burn brightly and beautifully through cut glass. The glasses came from years ago, another country, a horrible conflict, millions of dead Jews. The glass is sharp and enduring. I feel like the glass. I wish my edges were a bit softer today. They are not.
Time passes, and this year has been filled with reminders.
Wonderful friends, a community of bloggers I do not know but trust, the love of my life, my children who make me laugh every single day (when I'm not screaming at them).
The glass survives, but we do not. I will hold the memories close, the feelings closer, and I will look to the sea to replenish my soul. I ask so much.